We all need manners and etiquette, definitely. We need them because without them, we’d all do exactly as we like, and because if we all do exactly as we like, then everything would pretty soon fall apart. In other words, manners & etiquette aren’t really a list of what you should do in good company. Rather, they are a list of things you shouldn’t do in good company--a big stack of don’ts. Now don’t get me wrong. I would never, ever recommend that you blow off using good manners, because if you don’t use them, the only statement you’re actually making is that you’re a rude, gross, dirty, probably stupid and inconsiderate little slob who doesn’t understand anything about anything--and that is not a cool thing to be. No, manners are really important; much more than you might think, in fact, because manners are what separate us from animals, and they are also what turn other people on or off to us. If you’re a disgusting bitch-slob, for example, how many people are going to invite you to their parties, or how many guys are going to invite you to dinner, or how many business professionals are going to want you at their board meetings? None, that’s right. You’ll turn them all off, and eventually you’ll be stuck with other disgusting bitch-slobs in some basement somewhere, broke and friendless.

The basement thing is an exaggerated version of what can happen, obviously. But my point is important: the fabric of public society lies in the manners of the individuals that make up that society. To hold this fabric together, you have to have those manners. If you don’t have them, then public society will kick you out. And ultimately, that means you’ll lose out on the good things the society offers, like better education, better jobs, access to the richest and best guys, best professional contacts, etc. And this is no joke!

So, the lists of manners & etiquette are long and often really complex. But in most cases they’re also common sense because, after all, you grew up with these manners all around you. Think of the times your parents told you not to talk with your mouth full, for example. Or think of the time you were in the mall and farted next to the cashier. Or think of how James Bond behaves when he’s wearing his tux. Manners are everywhere, and you’re always exposed to them, so you’ve already got half the battle won. In most cases, all you have to do is fine tune some of the things you do. Below, then, is a list of fine tunings, stuff you mostly already know, but which it is probably a good idea to review before prom night--just in case.

The most obvious are table manners, so we’ll start with these. Afterward, we’ll just give you a few pointers on basic manners when in public.

At the dinner table. What you should not do. And, where everything goes so that you know what’s yours and don’t take someone else’s fork, or bread or glass.

• Don’t burp at table (or at any other point during the evening).
• Don’t slurp your soup or other liquids.
• Don’t take a drink without first using your napkin.
• Don’t hold the glass to your mouth and take long, long drinks.
• Don’t blow your nose at table.
• Don’t chew with your mouth open.
• Don’t pick your teeth at table.
• Don’t slouch at table.
• Don’t let your elbows touch the table.
• Don’t bring your face toward the plate when you eat.
• Don’t fart at table.
• Don’t scratch at table, especially not your feet or rump.
• Don’t lift the corner of your soup plate to get the last drops.
• Don’t lick the plate or the utensils.
• Don’t take someone else’s plate or utensils or food.
• Don’t reach over to grab the things you want, ask instead.
• Don’t sit and start eating until everyone is pretty much seated.
• Don’t play with your utensils or plates.
• Don’t bang your soup spoon in the soup plate, or against your teeth.
• Don’t pick at your food.
• Don’t make little castles with your mashed potatoes, or count your peas, etc.
• Don’t cut up your entire steak or other meat and then start eating.
• Don’t throw food.
• Don’t feed your date from your fork (or his).
• Don’t gobble your food as if you were in a race.
• Don’t talk with your mouth full.
• Don’t put junk on the table, like purse, false teeth, etc.

a) Your plates goes in the middle.

b) The knives and spoons go on your right.

c) The forks and napkin go on your left.

d) Liquids, including water, juice, etc., go on your right.

e) Solids like bread go on your left.

So when you sit, take a look at all this stuff in front of you and make sure you know what’s yours.

1. As soon as you sit, put the napkin in your lap. Not tucked under your chin or on your head or under your arm, but in your lap.

2. If you’re going to take a piece of bread and butter it--which is what 99% of us do as soon as we sit--then do it like this: put the piece of bread in your bread plate (on your left). Take a blob of butter from the main dish (or open up one of those little covered ones) and put this in your plate. Then rip off a piece of bread from the slice or bun and butter that. Do not butter the entire bread.

3. You’ll probably find a couple forks and knives sitting next to your plate. Which do you use for what, or which do you use first? Do it this way: start on the outside and work your way in. When the first dish of whatever arrives, use the fork furthest away from the plate, and the knife furthest away from the plate. When the next dish arrives, use the next fork and knife in the line, and so on. If your eating area gets a little disorganized, then follow this rule for your fork: the smaller fork is for salad. The larger fork is for your main dish. If both are the same size, then don’t worry about it.

4. So how do you hold a fork and knife, anyway? Fork goes in your left hand, knife goes in your right hand. The fork’s tines (business end) should be facing down. Don’t hold your fork or your knife in your fist. Place your index finger on top of either of them and push downward with that. Spear your food with your fork, then cut the piece you want to eat, then put your knife down in the plate. Switch your fork from your left hand to your right hand, its tines still pointing downward, and eat. You won’t be in Europe for prom. But if you were, then don’t switch your fork from your left to your right. They don’t do that over there.

5. If you’re going to put your fork or other utensils down while you eat, make sure you always put them inside the plate. Never let them touch the table again after you’ve started using them. This includes your bread knife and everything else. When you put your fork and knife down inside the plate, make sure one is on each side, never both on the same side, not until you’re done.

6. Placing your utensils and finishing up. If you want to take a break in the middle of your meal, or if you have to get up for something, then place your fork and knife inside your plate in the form of an X. The fork goes on the left, the knife goes on the right, and both their pointy ends should be pointing away from you. If you’re finished eating and you want the waiter to take the dirty dish away, or you’re getting up for good, then place your fork and knife side by side, again with the pointy ends facing away from you. These should be placed in the eleven o’clock position, that is, pointing up at eleven o’clock like the hands of a clock.

• Don’t be rude, ever.
• Don’t whisper, because whispering is rude.
• Don’t whisper and giggle at the same time because that is one of the worst things you can do--someone might take it personally and be hurt by it.
• Don’t poke others with your finger, or nudge them with your elbow, when you want to get their attention.
• Don’t pat them or slap them (lightly, of course), either.
• Don’t talk or laugh loud enough to attract attention.
• Don’t walk slouching or aggressively, and don’t swing your arms all over the place as you walk.
• Don’t make out with your date in public.
• Don’t make sexual gestures (like ass patting) with your date in public.
• Don’t swear, or spit, or burp, or fart, or sneeze, or do other gross body things in public.
• Don’t chew gum (or tobacco!).
• Don’t hold private conversation with your friends if there’s someone there who’s not part of your usual group and wouldn’t know what you’re talking about.
• Don’t, just don’t do anything that might offend others, or hurt them, or be disrespectful.

Sure there's lots more. There's so much, in fact, that Emily Post wrote a book on manners which is hundreds of pages long, and after Emily Post, others wrote equally long books on manners. So do you need all that stuff? No, not really. It's not that important anymore, for example, if the guy takes off his hat when he greets you (guys don't wear hats to prom or to dinner these days). And it certainly would look strange today if you curtsied when presented to a person older than you (what, you don't know what curtsying is?). Anyhow, the actual basics of general manners is, and has always been this one single rule: don't be offensive to anybody at any time. To follow this rule, all you have to do is be a little aware of the people around you, and be considerate in your behavior so that you don't hurt or offend them--that includes laughing so loud that they are distracted from what they are doing and look over at you, or whispering and giggling so that they suspect you might be talking about them, or blowing snot onto the floor so that people jump back in surprise and disgust--I think you get the general idea. And if you do, then that's all there really is to good manners.