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Secks Talk: Practical Advice
Scenario # 1: He drinks, he's pushy

He's taken you to prom, he's gotten the limo, he's paid your dinner, the prom bids, the corsage, and the hotel. And now you're in the hotel and he wants "it." But you don't. What do you do?

Stay calm, and say no.

But he insists. He says he's taken you to prom, and now he expects something in return.

Say no again, but this time more forcefully. Tell him, one, that you do not owe him anything because he paid for prom; and two, that this is not the time for sex, that you are not ready, and that if he is a gentleman, or respects you and cares for you even a little bit, then he will honor your wishes.

But he's been drinking, and he's not listening. You're actually afraid he might use force.

Then do not try to reason with him. Repeat: do not try to reason with him. Grab your stuff and get out of the hotel at once. Call your parents to come get you if necessary.

Comment on scenario #1: Does this sort of scenario actually happen? Yes, unfortunately, unhappily, it happens often, and you as the girl might be scared and submit to him out of fear. Hence my one piece of practical advice on this scenario: if he's been drinking, and it looks like things might get ugly, then don't even think twice about it but get out of there fast.

Scenario # 2, She is really drunk and suddenly decides she wants to have "it"

Okay, I know for some guys this is like a dream come true. But for other guys (that I've talked to, who've had it happen to them, anyway) this isn't a dream but a sad reality. You've gone to prom, you've looked beautiful, and you've had a great night so far. But now she's gotten into the booze and she's decided it's sex time. But you don't want sex that way because you're actually romantic at heart and would have prefered a romantic approach to coming together. So what do you do?

You see this one in the movies: toss her into the shower, fully dressed, and slam on the cold water. Yeah, I know, that's a bit harsh. Here's an easier way: go for coffee-- there's bound to be at least one 24hr place in your area: a Bennigans, or a diner, or something like that.

However, don't leave her alone-- and this is for all the usual reasons, namely, that if she's been drinking you just want to be around to make sure she's alright and stays alright. And that's about it.

Comment on scenario #2: The entire scenario might sound silly to some people because it seems to turn all our stereotypes on their head-- in other words, it's the girl who wants sex when it should be the guy, and the girl who drinks when it should be the guy. But all those "shoulds" are just stereotypes, things we make up to make ourselves feel better about our roles as male and female. The reality-- and I'm talking from experience here-- is that girls and guys are just as sexually driven and, if drinkers, just as likely to drink. Moreover, not all guys want hard, drunken, conquest-style sex. In fact, I'd be willing to bet (again speaking from experience), that most of them prefer the period of romance and-- hopefully-- falling-in-love time that leads up to the sexual moment. So my advice? Liberate yourself (girls & guys) from stereotypes, and follow your heart-- it will always lead you true!

Maybe you remember the first Austin Powers movie, where he and Vanessa are in the hotel in Vegas, and they've been partying. She's been drinking (someting she never does, because she's the "sensible one"), and suddenly she leans over and asks Austin to kiss her. Up until that moment, Austin's been wanting to jump her bones since he was taken out of deep freeze. However, when she asks to be kissed, he says no. She asks why. And he says, "because it wouldn't be right. You're drunk." What do I say to that? I say now there's a real swinger. It's not about taking advantage of someone, nor is it about conquest. If you think it's about that, then I can only reply with the words Dr. Evil used on his son when the latter simply wanted to waste Austin and Vanessa--"you just don't get it, do you?"

Incidentally, if you view the comments by clicking below, you'll see a bunch from guys (I think) who really just don't get it.

Scenario # 3, All my friends are going to do "it" that night

Your friends have said prom night's the night for sex and that they're going to do it no matter what-- and this is both guys and girls talking.

You're a guy and don't want to do it because you want it to be properly special. Or you're a girl and you don't want to do it because you want it to be properly special.

You want some sound advice? Forget about what your friends think. Why should you have to live with consequences you're going to regret just because your friends say so? Or what, would you go throw yourself in front of a train just because your friends are going to?

Comment on scenario #3: This is so dumb I'm surprised I'm even writing it up as a scenario. Obviously you shouldn't let yourself be ruled by what your friends are doing. Obviously. And yet it happens over and over again to all of us (so maybe it's not so dumb after all!). And maybe there's something to peer pressure that will make us do things we later regret. If that's the case, then my suggestion is that you sit back and carefully evaluate the consequences of doing something you don't feel right about doing-- in this case, having sex prom night just because your friends are having it, or because you believe that that's what you're "supposed" to do.

Scenario # 4, He told me he'll leave me if I don't

It's prom night, he's gotten you a hotel, and all your friends are in rooms nearby (or maybe you're not in a hotel but some other private, parent-free place).

And now he's trying to go all the way with you. It's true, you guys have been dating a little while; but you don't feel ready yet, or you don't quite feel that he's the one.

But he's being pushy.

As in scenario # 1 above, start by saying no. If he continues pushing, become more firm and remind him that he needs to respect your wishes. If he's becoming a real a**hole, just get your stuff and go.

And remember, a guy who won't respect your wishes now, is probably a guy who'll hurt you down the road.

Comment on scenario #4: Prom or no prom, the basics of partnership lie in respect for each other. Part of this respect means, when one of the partners says no--whether to sex or something else--that "no" means "no." So the other partner needs to lay off the pushing. It's like I always say, if he (or she) won't listen and back off today, when you're still just getting to know each other, what do you think they'll be like a year, or two years down the road? Especially if you give in from the beginning?

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